| Worried |
[May. 1st, 2007|02:04 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| |  worried | ] |
It's not myself I'm worried about, though with what's about to spring up and bite me in the ass I probably should be. But no, I'm worried about Bryan.
There's a part of his personality that some don't know about. It's not like he makes it perfectly apparent either. It's a compulsive need to be close to one of the female gender. Close as in dating. Close as in relationship. I'm not going to pretend that I know where this comes from. Maybe it's the dangerous mixture of family support and lots of hugs as a child. I don't know. Right know it's not exactly important.
He knows where I stand with this situation he currently finds himself in. The reason why it continues to worry me is that he tends to act first on impulse, leaping before looking. Saying Bryan tends to do that is like saying that the oceans tend to be salty. My point is that I don't know where Bryan stands on this whole matter. Does he agree with me? Or is he going to make the same mistakes?
I'm not saying that I have all the answers. I certainly don't. However, anyone who knows me well enough can tell you that I'm observant as hell, and logic tends to dominate. Tending again, in relative proportion to the ocean's salt content. What I am saying, however, is that I've seen this situation enough times to know that it's an all-around bad idea.
Some may take offense to what I'm saying. That perhaps it's not my place to speak on this subject. I don't know why that would ever discourage me, but let's just say for the argument that it might. The thing of it is, I protect my friends. Bryan is my friend. No, scratch that, Bryan is my best friend. That "best" isn't there for posterity, and it sure as hell isn't a favor. It's an honorific. It's been earned. And I do my damndest to live up to and exceed that standard.
If anyone decides to use one of my friends for personal gain. If anyone harbors ill will for them. If I even detect a hint of bad. At some point, that anyone will have to deal with me. And in that circumstance, I am not going to be easy to deal with. |
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| An interesting dream |
[Apr. 18th, 2007|11:55 pm] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| |  mellow | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Samurai Champloo Music Record: Katana | ] |
I was laying down on the couch in the living room when I heard a knocking on my door. The way the knocking sounded told me that it wasn't anything hostile, so I said for my guest to come in.
The door opened and a woman was at the entryway. Very sultry looking. I motioned her over, as if I had known her for a while. She came to lay next to me on the couch. Time felt like it slowed to a pace as she kissed me. It was... wow. After what felt like an eternity of affection, she sat up and said, "It was fun, but I need to go."
She walked out the door and closed it behind her. A feeling began gathering up in my stomach. A feeling like I would never see her again. And then I woke up.
I'm leaving out anything too descripting, but that's just because I'm not one to talk about these kinds of dreams. They've been happening a lot more lately, and sometimes with female friends that I personally know. Makes for some awkward meetings later on, you know? Perhaps it all stems from my desire for some sort of love life again. I've been scorned so many times in my short life that I kind of felt like giving up. Then again, a dream is a playground of the subconsious. Maybe that little brat is getting some unauthorized recess.
Who knows? Who cares. De Nile is not just a river in Egypt. |
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| Nutshells |
[Mar. 28th, 2007|07:14 pm] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Finger Eleven - Paralyzer | ] |
"And that's about it, in a nutshell." Where exactly did that phrase come from?
I thought about that particular thing, mainly because so much has happened since October and it would be difficult to describe things, "in a nutshell." October being the date of my last post.
School wasn't going so well for me. I got cocky though, so I suppose it was my fault. I was realizing pretty quickly that I was going to fail two of my three classes, so I stopped going to those on a regular basis. Yeah, I did the work and turned it in, but apparently it wasn't enough. I'm not blaming the school, so let me say it again that it was my fault. That was November.
I dropped out of college. Or rather, college dropped me. My grades weren't sufficient enough to keep me in, so they kicked me out (big surprise). That was December.
I found myself having to pay back my student loans. Not a huge dent on my life, except for the fact that I didn't have a job. I drifted around for a bit, not doing anything important or serious. I eventually ended up calling this place called Aerotek. My uncle referred me to them. He said they'd help me find a job. A permanent thing would have to wait, because there wasn't anything available in my area. So I waited for a phone call from the guy I had talked to. That was January.
Then I got a call about a temp job at Pac Paper, a plant that ships paper products. I work one day, go for the second, and they tell me that the Embosser is broken down and that they would give me busy work. I would have to wait for a phone call to find out when I could work again after that. No phone call for two weeks. Finally I get a call. Not from Pac Paper, but from Aerotek. Pac Paper wants to hire me again for another temp position. I'd be doing the same thing I did last time, except for the part where I only work one day because they can't give proper maintenence to their machines. So I say yes, because I need the money. Never mind the fact that Pac Paper is on my shit list already. That was February.
I work for another week or so, when I notice an all too familiar pain in my lower back. A memory from when I was younger, come back to make sure I didn't forget. I shrug it off, and take it as my body getting used to the work. Then I get a phone call. It was a Thursday. It's a call from someone wanting me to come in for an interview on Monday at 2:00 PM. "Great! A permanent job!" I think to myself. "Shit, I told Aerotek that I would stay at Pac Paper for another week." So I talk to my mom about this, and she's excited that I got an interview. She tells me I should call Aerotek and let them know, so they can find a replacment. I figure, "What could the harm be? I mean, Aerotek exists to get people jobs. Of course they'd want me to take this interview."
Wrong.
I call up Aerotek and ask them if they could find a replacment. They say, "Gosh, you know Chris, you said you'd work. We don't know if we could find someone to replace you." So I reply, "Are you sure? This is a permanent position. It's a good opportunity." So they respond, "Is there a way you could move the interview for earlier, or cancel it altogether?"
Cancel it? I thought Aerotek was here so that people can find jobs. Oh, no wait. Keep the jobs that they find you so that they get that all important kickback from the company that they sent you to. So instead of outright saying that they only care about how thick their pockets are, they'll just deceive you into thinking that they give a damn and use your desperation to fill their wallets.
So I cancel it, because I'm an idiot. So I show up for work on Friday, and the second guy that is supposed to be on the other side of me at the Embosser isn't there. So I had to do two people's worth of work. It's happened before, and I've been able to manage then as well. Then Monday happens. No second helper, so again I'm doing work for two. This time, however, they decided to speed up the machine. So I'm going about work as usual. Pissed off at Pac Paper and ready for my break. Then I get stupid and lift a box wrong. My back makes a popping sound, and it got harder to move around. So I talk to the supervisor, let him know that he needs to find a replacment, because there was no way I would be able to work with that kind of pain.
Three weeks pass before I am able to go see a doctor for my back. All I need is an opinion, some advice, a clearance paper saying what I can and can't do for work, and a truckload of painkillers. I'll be able to go see a doctor on Tuesday. Three weeks of walking around, looking for work, with a lower back that pulses so much I swear it's communicating with me.
And that's about it, in a nutshell. Thank you very much. Enjoy your coffee. |
|
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| Subject Re: Nothing |
[Oct. 20th, 2006|11:24 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | peaceful | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Stone Sour "Your God" | ] |
An exchange that Bryan and I had over e-mail at ITT last night. Good times. It actually started with me writing it on Tuesday afternoon in class, and we did the actual exchange Thursday night. Oh, and let me explain one last thing before you read on. Bryan and I have an inside joke where the word "rhubarb" is his trigger word, but just for crying uncontrollably. Whenever her hears it or reads it, he cries a lot. It makes things more interesting. Oh yeah, and d20s are twenty-sided dice. Anyway, enjoy.
Chris: I'm in class right now. This e-mail has no purpose whatsoever except to act as a time-waster. For me, and for you. So take that.
Bryan: Guess what, I'm in class too bitch. And you know what this has absoultely no purpose...or does it? Perhaps it has unleashed a deadly virus that will slowly corrupt the computers of Clark College (even if you aren't there) and will turn them all to brainless zombies and feature in their own B movie! But actually no it doesn't so sorry to take away that eventuality and waste your damn time. Revenge is sweet.
Chris: Well, you know what? I still wasted your time bitch! Only now, I've wasted more of your time because you decided to reply. So that means I've ultra-wasted your time. You've been ultra-ed, you dumb bitch!
Bryan: Well guess who took the time to reply back! That's right you! Ha back in your face uber ultra wasted your time!
Chris: That doesn't even make sense! Uber ultra? That's just fucking stupid! Oh by the way, my purpose was to waste your time. You have no purpose. YEAH, I SAID IT!
Rhubarb.
Bryan: Your Mother.
Chris: What about my mother? She likes rhubarb? Maybe, I've never asked her. Oh yeah, I just said that word again. Those tears you cry are like a sweet symphony to my ears, you junkslut.
*flips off Bryan*
Suck on that, you tree-hugging, slave banging, Hitler-loving bastard!!!
Bryan: I've done a few genocides but that doesn't make me a slave banger. Aside I know your secrets! I saw you crying after watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! And I don't even want to know how that came about!
Chris: Leonardo fighting for justice and pizza makes him a true American! (Damnit, Chris don't cry). Besides, you cried during that Anne Frank movie starring Hillary Duff, so don't you even start on how I get emotional at movies, you frankenbastard!
Bryan: You promised you would never bring that up! *sniff* You know what, I hate your face! And I hope you die a most painful death! I wish a streak of bad luck about you so that you will trip and by some freak accident are incappable of speaking or writing again and you will be forced to watch Full House from start to finish until your eyes turn into d20's!
Chris: *too stunned to type* fhfgdghkdgukilfhllcfcfcfcfcfcfcfcfcfcf
Bryan: Yes and after your eyes turn into d20's you will be forced to use them in a eternal D&D session, where those very d20's that were eyes will only land on 1's and when the Dungeon Master will always say you hit yourself, but you will be incapable of dying! The only way to counter this turn of events is a night of playing the game Tales of the Abyss!
Chris: No. NO! THE HORROR! OH I WILL LIVE IN DAYS OF MISERY UNTIL... wait, what? Remedy a curse that gruesome with Tales of the Abyss? You've got to be kidding me. Tales of... holy hell man, that's just... god damnit. What am I going to say? "No Bryan, I'd rather have my eyes turn into d20s" so on and so forth.
Rhubarb.
Yeah. Sweet symphony, bitch.
Well, there you go. That was my Thursday night in a nutshell. Take care now. |
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| Somewhere Else |
[Oct. 17th, 2006|01:29 pm] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | mellow | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Stone Sour - "Socio" | ] |
I saw some water flowing down a sidewalk at the bus stop today, and I wanted to be it. I want to let the simple act of existence take me somewhere. The water came from a garbage bag, and when the worker emptied the bin, the water was free. Is this a metaphor? Who is the one that keeps me captive?
I am not feeling well, so just attribute the metaphysical ramblings to my fever. I also haven't been getting sleep since the incident with Caitlin two weeks ago. I thought I stopped caring, because I'm able to function in my day without hesitation. Apparently it got to me more than I am letting on. It's unfortunate, really. Anica would tell me all manner of things to make me drop it, or whatever she would make me do. If I was worried about it, I'd still be sad. I'm not sad at all, just tired.
This Computer Application class is pathetic. The subject matter is simple, but the homework assignments she hands out make my brain hurt. I haven't turned in the last two assignments because she won't give a straight answer either. So I'm in class, eyes half-open, waiting for two o'clock to roll around so I can leave.Or I can leave now. Makes no difference either way. |
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| Phase |
[Oct. 6th, 2006|10:35 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Stone Sour - "Cardiff" | ] |
Most things don't phase me. If I haven't seen it, I've heard of it. The only way to get to me is if I let you inside and you do something to betray my trust. Yeah, I'm telling you all how to hurt me. Why? Because a part of the human experience are the risks that we take.
I took a risk recently. I let someone in, and I got hurt. On the list of things that one can emotionally do to another, it's pretty high up there. Me finding someone that I actually can tolerate is a rarity, and finding someone that can tolerate my biting sarcasm is even rarer. So I latched myself onto a pretense, because it made me feel good. It didn't work out, I feel like a loser, blah blah blah. Let's just skip all that, shall we? No point in feeling like that, it's damaging to my ego.
Anica told me something a few weeks ago. Actually, she's been telling me this pretty much since we met. She told me I'm a hopeless case. For a while I didn't realize why. Then I talk to her about all this and I realize why. Well, it less of me realizing and more of Anica flat out telling me why, but I'm going off-subject.
I have a borderline obsession with detaching myself emotionally from everything. The idea behind that is if I'm detached, then things can't get to me. It's how I've lived, it's comfortable. I spend so much of my time being a non-entity that I forget to be a person. Life, for me, is knowledge. Experience. Earning both and passing on both to anyone who wants to learn from the past. Now here's something: how can I live my life like that and still keep myself emotionally attached? Is this something else that I need to learn? Do I even want to?
Yeah, I'm hopeless. I'm also human, and things phase me. Things get to me. It's just a matter of interpretation.
Anica's probably going to read this and think, "Oh dear." It's amusing to me. |
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| The Problem With Words |
[May. 1st, 2006|06:30 pm] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children - For The Reunion | ] |
It's nearly impossible to figure out what people are thinking just by reading their words. What really helps is being honest. I can't know what you're thinking unless you say something. If you tell me a lie, I'm going to see it as truth. Why? Because I can only know as much as I'm told.
This is not directed at anyone. If I've got a problem with an individual, I'd say it to their face... or messenger screen. Regardless, I'd tell them personally. This seems to be a reaccuring theme in my life, so I am addressing it now. Am I mad at anyone? No. No fucking way. Irritated yes, but not mad. (that was for you, Nehal =P )
The main problem with words is that they can be interpreted so many ways. Inflection can only go so far. In the end though, all we want is a little bit of honesty. Expect me to take the phrase, "actions speak louder than words" very seriously in the up and coming future.
I'm in class right now, but I'm getting ready to leave. The food I had wasn't enough, and now my stomach is hurting.
You are all my friends, and I'd like it to stay that way through thick and thin. |
|
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| Blatently Stolen From Nehal |
[Apr. 25th, 2006|03:00 pm] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | peaceful | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Lacuna Coil - Enjoy The Silence | ] |
 | You scored as Bebop (from Cowboy Bebop). Hope you don't mind being anime. Your style just fits perfect with the crew of the Bebop. Life is tough and your crew knows it, but you will find a way to survive. You always do. Now if only Faye would quit gambling all your money away.
Coming on December 1, 2005:
Your Ultimate Sci-Fi Profile: which sci-fi crew would you best fit in? The Sequel
Bebop (from Cowboy Bebop) | | 63% | |
SG-1 (from Stargate) | | 60% | Serenity (from Firefly) | | 60% | Galactica (from Battlestar: Galactica) | | 56% | Nebuchadnezzar (from The Matrix) | | 56% | Millennium Falcon (from Star Wars) | | 50% | Moya (from Farscape) | | 50% | Enterprise D (from Star Trek) | | 44% | </td>
Which sci-fi crew would you best fit in? v1.0
created with QuizFarm.com |
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| I Just Feel... Weird |
[Apr. 19th, 2006|01:10 pm] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| |  determined | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children - Calling | ] |
It seems I'm always sick. Everytime I start school I get this way. The stress of starting a new quarter gets to me and then my body pays the price. The quarter ends and then I get really bad for about a week and a half during the break. Then I get better, and I'm healthy for the rest of the break. Then the quarter starts again and I get sick. This has been an endless cycle for almost a year, and I am tired of it. I want it to fucking change! On top of all of that, my mom is on my ass to get a job. If I could stay better, then yeah no problem... I'd get a job. My body won't allow the added stress of applying, sending in resumes, and getting letdown by the end result. No fucking way. Everytime I get let down my a stint of that, I break down and... yep, my body pays the price.
Do you ever feel like you're stuck? I'm just about 22, I go to Clark College part-time, I live at home with my parents. Something needs to happen. I need to make something happen. |
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|
| Musings |
[Apr. 13th, 2006|12:01 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| |  busy | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Finger Eleven - Stay and Drown | ] |
Today has been interesting so far.
I edited eight pages of the third or fourth draft of the script for Lost In Shadows. Bryan calls it Lost In Shadows: Destiny. I made up a longer title that reminds me of an old movie type of thing. I called it Lost In Shadows: Destiny Awaits The Fallen. My goal is to have 15 pages by the end of the day, but if I can get more done then that is just peachy.
While waiting for the bus, I met this girl. I'm pretty sure she is at least 18. Her body language said to me that she was mature enough to at least be out of high school. Anyway, I wasn't loking for a date. I was looking for a Malice. We need one more woman for Bryan's script, and I am trying to find her. This young woman I met was incredibly charming, and she had really good eyes. She would have been a good Malice regardless of acting skills. I can give her a crash course in acting. I didn't ask her though, I chickened out. It would have seemed weird. If I see her at my stop again I'll ask her.
I went to school early for one specific purpose: Annika wanted someone to talk to. I promised her I'd make myself invisible to everyone but her, so that's what I did. We discussed some of the problems she's been having, and I gave her advice about how to make it better. She feels good about it all, but I think if I keep discussing it with her we can make it even better. I will not go into detail though, because I respect her and I respect her privacy.
I'm in class right now, and I had to explain to my instructor about how I failed Photoshop and had to take it over. Kind of awkward, considering I am losing my voice. It's kind of funny... people are talking with each other and getting aquainted and all that good stuff. I say nothing, and I only care about what I am doing. I kind of prefer it that way. I have a friend in my Friday class and that's all I need. |
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|
| Goings On |
[Apr. 11th, 2006|09:55 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Staind - Right Here | ] |
Before I start I have something to say. I am the first to be featured on HogwartsMagic with a character spotlight. It's really cool and I want everyone to see it. YEAH!
You know, it's weird for me to go back and read my old journal entries. From a year and a half ago, for instance. It's not anything like, "Oh gosh, it's so embarrassing!" It's more like, "It's weird that I used to be so blindly happy." It's actually kind of sad that I lost that part of me. It was a life changing experience. Would I take it all back? No. I wouldn't. It had to happen. It was going to happen regardless. The journal entries are an interesting stroll down memory lane, but I can only read a couple of them before needing to stop. They are essentially parts of me that I had forgotten ever existed, and when I read them it's like reading a chunk of my past that had been erased from my memory by force. Like a bad movie plot.
Yesterday I was watching TV, and I changed the channel to E! I almost never watch that channel. In fact, I avoid it whenever I can. It's the most superficial channel I have ever seen. However, there was one show that made me stop flipping the channels. The E! True Hollywood Story of Emmanuelle Lewis. Yeah, weird I know. I was watching it, and I was amazed. Just simply stunned. This man should be a role model for everyone. After his sitcom, Webster, ended he didn't go into seclusion or become addicted to drugs. He became a success outside of his sitcom life. He's got one of the nicest families I have ever seen, and Emmanuelle is just a really great guy. It was really uplifting to see his success.
Last night I came up with this stupid thing, this really stupid way to die. What if someone jumped into the ocean and tried to drink it? Just diving right in and gulping in water as you slowly drown. Wouldn't that be hilarious to see on the news? "Chris Gersch of Vancouver died last Wednesday from jumping into the ocean and trying to drink it." He tried to drink the ocean?! Wha?! |
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| Sick, But Not Dead |
[Apr. 5th, 2006|03:12 pm] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Staind - Home | ] |
I should have stayed home today. I had too much to do though here at school. I needed to get the rest of my student loan check, get my bus pass... damnit, I forgot to go to Financial Aid and discuss the interest rate for my student loan.
You know what I'm tired of? Goddamn snobby assholes looking down their noses at me because I go to a community college. It's simple for me to go here. Yeah, it may not seem like much, but who the fuck are you to say that? "Technically it's not college." That's what I hear. Fuck you to all the people who say that, think that, feel that... whatever. Fuck you. Steve is just one of the people who said that to me. For all of you who don't know who Steve is, he's been my friend since I was 7 and he has had absolutely no experience with anything in the real world beyond walking to high school and then walking home. "In my book Chris, it's not really college." I replied, "Fuck you, Stephen. Go do something with your life that doesn't involve you staying home and playing X-Box all day." This was about two weeks ago though. I am talking about this now because some asshole at my stop asked me where I was headed. Now I don't usually talk to people, I tend to despise them. I am currently very sick though, and my head was somewhere else. He said the same thing to me. It's times like those where I curse my better judgement and the witnesses, because I would have snapped his damn neck if I were a lesser person.
So I sit here at school... not college, apparently... sick as hell. I need to do this though, because it would be too easy to just sit at home and wait for it to go away. No, I need to get out and work at it. No pain no gain. YEAH! LET'S GO! LET'S DO IT! ALRIGHT!!!
*ahem*
Class starts in about an hour. Yay... layers. Shit I learned on my own three years ago and then did again in the winter. Fun. Whoo. *sarcasm* |
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| Dead Men Tell No Tales |
[Mar. 31st, 2006|10:45 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Hikaru Utada - Passion | ] |
How long can I hold back, before I really let loose?
Why is it that we hold our past loves in such high regard? We keep the memory of what they once were, and then try and pretend that they are the same person. Even when they continue to hurt you. Why is this? Are we hoping that if we hang on to that memory, that we will continue to be happy?
Happiness never lasts, because happiness was not meant to last. It is a momentary event that fades away, and when it is gone you are left to go one with your life. Savor those moments, those short bursts of joy. Keep them with you when you think you can't go on. When you are at your lowest. As long as you realize that continued happiness isn't an attainable goal, you can get through anything.
This is for all of my good friends who don't feel so good. For those who are heartbroken and want to be better. I only hope that my words can be of some use. |
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| My Justice Sense Is Tingling! |
[Mar. 17th, 2006|11:07 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | sick | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Slipknot - Vermilion Pt. 2 | ] |
Well, my finals are over at school. I think I did pretty well today. A lot better than my midterm was, at least.
So now it starts. Where my body says, "No more stress for a while, you can be sick now." And then my body proceeds to break down like a cavity-ridden tooth. My head is throbbing so badly right now. To simulate the feeling, grab a hammer. Tap the back of your head with it. Now again, but a little harder. Now a little harder. Now a little harder again. Repeat until completely weak and annoyed.
This guy just walked in, and he's smiling. What the hell is he smiling about?
Anyway, I was thinking that maybe I don't actually have a headache. Maybe it's an effect of being leader of the Knights of Justice. Perhaps it's my Justice Sense, and it goes off whenever my arch foes, the Defenders of Chaos, is nearby. Hmm, I'll have to think about this.
I registered for my spring classes. I need to re-take the Photoshop class and I am taking a Computing Essentials class. The Computing one is so stupid. Basically, the whole class will revolve around the things I learned the first two days of my HTML class. Ridiculous. However, I need that class, plus a passing grade in HTML in order to take the other things that I want later on. *sigh* Easiest "A" I will ever get... even though I would really prefer a challenge. |
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| Doors Leading To More Doors |
[Mar. 13th, 2006|09:40 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | content | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Slipknot - Circle | ] |
Life is a series of decisions. Doors, if you will. You can't be afraid to open the doors, just because they might lead to bad moments. And no matter how hard you try, eventually you'll open up a door and end up right back where you began. From there you can either learn from your previous encounters, open the successes and leave the known failures alone, or you can repeat yourself over and over again and not learn from history.
Somehow I end up choosing both. I learn from some encounters, and repeat my mistakes with others. I learned that I can't discuss certain matters with people because I get a little brutish and make things turn ugly. However, I haven't learned to stop doing that. I've never been happy with being half-assed at anything.
So this is my apology to Natalie. Our conversation was really for the best, because it'll strengthen our bonds and not break them. That doesn't excuse anything.
I'll talk to you soon, Natalie. Thank you for being so diplomatic about it. |
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|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 10th, 2006|12:01 pm] |
I had this whole big entry about how people are too sensitive and how honesty is underrated.
I got rid of it, because I was too stupid to understand the root of the matter. For once, this isn't about me. This isn't about any sage advice I can pass on. This isn't about me and my gripes for a change.
I hurt a good friend today, and all because I couldn't just shut up. It wasn't enough that I was having a debate with her. I just had to take it further. I did, and I got stupid. It wasn't even about the current topic anymore, I ended up attacking her. Attacking her character. The one thing I accused her of when we started our conversation.
I have nothing else to say. I only hope that everything works out for the best. Whatever "the best" is. |
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| Better? Yeah? Okay. Good. No? Oh. Well... |
[Mar. 9th, 2006|10:46 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| |  creative | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Korn - Tearjerker | ] |
After venturing into the darker corners of my mind, I took a nap. A five hour nap. At dinner, went to bed. Yesterday was boring. Insanely boring. And I was pissed. Bored and pissed. Not very productive, is it? Yeah, I didn't think so either. So I stopped. It didn't make sense to dwell on the things that made me a darker, so I let it go. It's easier than it sounds, to be honest.
Is he back? Has happy Chris returned? You bet your ass he's back.
It's snowing outside. The flakes are huge, meaning that soon it will stop falling. It's been off and on since I got to school today, so it will no doubt continue. It's cool that it's snowing, but at the same time I want it to stop. I doubt it'll even stick, so it's just going to be a nuisance to walk in.
I've gotten back to some serious posting. I had been doing it very lightly on the board and it bothered me. My characters were worth more to me than that, so I made a vow to post more. All the bullshit is gone and it can finally be fun again.
Yay posting! |
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|
| Wishing Won't Make Things Better |
[Mar. 7th, 2006|08:42 pm] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Tales of Legendia - Iron Hammer (Yeah! Defender of Justice!) | ] |
Right now I have no one to talk to. I'm just feeling really weird. Not good, but not bad either. One of those times I wish Anica or Annika was on. I've spoken with Annika about my, uh... let's just call them "quirks". Maybe it's best that she not have to deal with my complaints about myself. It's rare for me to feel like this though, and it's not like I'm asking them to bleed for me...
Am I justifying it? Yes, I believe I am.
As long as I don't let it get to me, I'll be good. Yes, things are okay.
Denial can be a bitch, you know? When I see someone to talk to, I'm going to. I want to stop feeling weird. |
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|
| Enough |
[Mar. 6th, 2006|08:45 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Eminem feat. Nate Dogg - Shake That (guilty pleasure) | ] |
What do you take for granted? Everyone's got something. Be it a friend, a family member, or an ability... everyone's got something. You ever try to go through a day with your eyes closed? It's not easy. There are people that live like that everyday. Yeah, they get by without their sight, but you know that if they were offered the ability to see, they'd take it. Go a week without the security of a family, let me know how well you did. You get money from them? Nope, not for this week. This, of course, applies only to the most protected of people. The ones who spent their whole lives being assisted by family. Yes, there are still people like that. Go a month without your best friend. A month without anyone to talk to about the things you can't tell others. Feel like hell yet? No? It means your cheating. People need to be able to bear their souls. But Chris, you don't believe in souls. Figure of speech. Nothing is better than being able to let go of the weight of a stressful moment, day, or week. Stop it, then tell me you don't take your friends for granted.
I am not above this. I am not better than anyone else. I will continue to take what is close to me for granted. It is in human nature. It is instinct. Is it better that I recognize what I am taking for granted, or it is worse? |
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|
| Tired |
[Mar. 2nd, 2006|11:21 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Final Fantasy X - To Zanarkand | ] |
I haven't gotten a lot of sleep lately. Don't know why either.
You know what I'm sick of? Assholes. Assholes that think that just because they walk upright that they are intelligent enough to make decisions. Assholes that are driven by their base urges. Assholes that don't know when to shut up. If you are all of these then I am sick of you. Go away. All you're doing is wasting everyone's time.
You know, if I just took a whole day and slept, would that make things better or worse?
I have an exam today in my HTML class. It's a pretty easy one, so it shouldn't be too much trouble. It's open-book too, so that's even better. It'll probably take me 15 minutes to do, and then I can go home. My Journalism teacher won't be here on Friday, he'll be at a conference with some of the newspaper guys in California. He got us a substitute (wha?!) though. We had the choice of having no class that day or have an extra-credit news quiz. We somehow chose the news quiz option. I'm not sure if I'll even go tomorrow. I haven't been following the news, and what good is a failed extra-credit news quiz?
Would sleeping pills work on me? No, probably not. Pain medication doesn't do anything, so what would sleeping pills do? Nothing.
I have a check in my wallet that needs to be deposited. Somehow I managed to overdraw my checking account, and my parents gave me money to put back in it so they don't close it. It's weird because I didn't have any money in there to begin with, so how could I take money out? Money that doesn't exist. I managed to withdraw ghost money. The only one that has my card is me, so it's not like I'm being robbed. Is someone playing a joke on me? Is someone putting in money and then using it up, leaving me stuck with the overdraw charges? I don't know.
You know what? I think I'll just go to sleep earlier in the night. Force myself to get tired I guess. |
|
|
| Some Things Never Change |
[Feb. 23rd, 2006|09:25 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | complacent | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Hikari Utada - Passion (from Kingdom Hearts II) | ] |
Anica: hey
Chris: did you have fun yesterday?
Anica: driving school..no, not really
Chris: damn
Chris: how did it go?
Chris: oh, how many people did you run over?
Anica: it was...a theory lesson...we didn't drive
Chris: okay, how many people did you technically run over?
Chris: ha ha
Anica: =Þ
I thought it was funny, so I thought I'd share it with my family and friends here on LJ.
Yeah, it's been a while since I posted. I actually did post something before, but for whatever reason it didn't go through. It didn't show that I wrote anything. It was good too. It was a rant about how people don't use words correctly. About how formerly strong words like 'love' and 'hate' were now used to describe anything. I'm telling you, I was on a roll with that stuff.
I'll have to re-write it if I ever get the spark back. Believe me, I will find things to rant about.
Okay, new things:
- I'm creating a fake web site for my HTML class. If it's good enough I'll put a link to it here.
- Bryan went to Maryland last week and he let me borrow his MP3 player. He told me that it drained battery power whenever you tried to access the menu or skip to another song. Yeah, it does do that... when the battery inside is leaking. I put in a new battery and so far I have had no problems.
- All I hear are bad things about Korn's new album, "See You On The Other Side". I've had it since it came out and it's one of my favorites. Is it just that people like to complain, or do they genuinly not like it?
- I'm getting a haircut today. It's only been about two months since I had one, but it's already too long for my tastes.
- What's the deal with airline food?
[EDIT]: A good friend of mine has just told me that her boyfriend is breaking up with her, and she feels like shit. I hate it when these things happen. Yes, I really do hate it. |
|
|
| About A Month |
[Nov. 7th, 2005|07:44 pm] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| |  chipper | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | that paino fight music from Final Fantasy Advent Children | ] |
Interesting that I haven't posted here in a while. I used to go one here all the time. I think I may have stopped caring. Yeah, pretty much.
School's been stressful. Easy, but stressful. Finished my midterm for Photoshop. I spent a lot of time on it too. The original psd formats are needed for me to get a decent grade, and I can't get them because my friend's computer crashed. I'll get the grade I deserve, I suppose. No big deal though, I'll learn from my mistakes for the final.
Not focused on dating anymore really. One, I can't afford it. Two, it's not like the woman would even show up, right? ;-) Yes, that was sarcasm. I am allowed to have humor and make fun of myself for the situation. Anyone else, however, aren't allowed. Ooh, I got a little offended there... a little annoyed... don't worry I'm not in a bad mood. No matter how much it appears to be.
HATE!!!
I've been playing Jade Empire a lot lately. It's a great game. I told Megan I'd let her borrow the Xbox and Jade Empire. She hasn't played a console game since Wind Waker. When it first came out. Also, we're going to have to play Halo sometime. I haven't played Halo with her in like 2 years.
You know wat's good? Caramel. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 8th, 2005|11:12 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | chipper | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Disturbed - Stricken | ] |
Freakin' sweet!
Spellsword
74% Combativeness, 43% Sneakiness, 67% Intellect, 16% Spirituality |
Aggressive, but with the brains to back it up: You are a Spellsword!
Score! You have a prestige class. A prestige class can only be taken after you’ve fulfilled certain requirements. This may mean that you're an exceptionally talented person, but it probably doesn't.
Spellswords combine arcane might with combat know-how. They're much tougher than mages, like to wear armor, and can cast spells through their weapons. They're very, very, good at doing lots of damage to a single target very quickly, and while not quite as tough as most fighters, are still pretty hard to kill.
You're both smart and aggressive, which means that you're probably pretty dangerous when pissed off. You also tend to be somewhat straightforward, which is nice, and don’t have much use for spirituality or mysticism. |
 |
My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
|
You scored higher than 83% on Combativeness |
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You scored higher than 59% on Sneakiness |
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You scored higher than 55% on Intellect |
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You scored higher than 12% on Spirituality |
| |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 21st, 2005|09:00 pm] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | blah | ] |
Found this on a website. Basically it's what if World War II was a wartime strategy game. I thought this was hilarious and decided to post it. Enjoy.
*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all fags
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.* |
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|
| BITCH! |
[Sep. 21st, 2005|07:04 pm] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | angry | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Fear Factory - Cyberwaste | ] |
YEAH!!!
Okay, now that I have that out of my system... I hate people who are bitches. I hate bitches. |
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|
| Figures, right? Wrong. Way wrong... |
[Sep. 21st, 2005|02:59 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Staind - Reply | ] |
Well, we were going to go to the beach on my last day of school for this quarter, but she never showed up. Got pissed for a little bit, then realized that something must have come up. I don't have a cell phone, so how was she supposed to contact me anyway? Got a hld of her last night and she felt so bad about it. She thought I wasn't ever going to call her. She must have thought I hated her. She got called into work firswt thing in the morning, and forgot everything except her car keys. If she had her phone, she would have called my house and let my parents know what was going on. I told her not to worry, and she told me that she had never met a guy that was so considerate and understanding.
She is just about the sweetest person I have ever met.
When she has another day off we're going to the beach. I'm bringing a camera too. It'll be nice to finally take her out somewhere.
School is over until September 19th, so for the next month I am free to have some fun. I plan on living each day in this next month like it was my last. |
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| 1R63631 |
[Aug. 15th, 2005|11:51 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Staind - Please | ] |
Felt like updating.
Had a date this weekend, but an emergency came up about an hour and a half before she was supposed to come pick me up and she had to cancel. Not a big deal, shit happens. I have absolutely no reason to be pissed at Shelly. We'll re-schedule, and this time it'll be better than bowling. I'm thinking the beach. Yeah, definately the beach. I was more frustrated at my situation, and that my dates are always either cancelled or they don't show up at all. I really, and this sounds kind of pathetic, but I really felt like just breaking down and crying right after I heard that voicemail. I laughed it off though, because I had to do something to get rid of that damn feeling. It was a very strange laugh, it sort of creeped me out. Anyway, in the grand scheme of things it's not that big of a deal. Shit happens, and it's all about how you recover and pick up the pieces. With that in mind, I refuse to let this get to me.
Besides, it's not like she blew me off.
Doesn't most grief start out with a girl (or guy, depending on who reads this)? It's kind of funny actually.
Bought the new Staind CD, Chapter V, last week. I've listened to it almost constantly the past week. I recommend it to anyone who appreciates good music. |
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|
| Life goes on... |
[Aug. 2nd, 2005|09:29 pm] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Staind - Fill Me Up | ] |
Benn a little bit since I updated. Does anyone actually read these? A question I ask myself on occasion, just so you know.
I have a midterm in Art Appreciation tomorrow. Tutored someone today for it. By the time we got done, she went from freaking out and not knowing anything to feeling much more confident about it. Hey, that's what friends are for, right?
I also have a paper due on Thursday. I should probably start that soon...
Even though I have to deal with a lot of stress, I am probably the happiest person on earth right now? Why? I'll let you guys in on it as soon as I feel like it. :-Þ
It's not drugs, so don't even ask... ;-) |
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|
| Oblivious... |
[Jul. 28th, 2005|09:20 pm] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | Somber | ] |
I say things sometimes without a care to how someone might feel about it. I speak my mind, most of the time without remorse. There is someone important in my life that I have offended for no other reason other than to get my point across. I regret that. She has been an amazing friend, and now I may have jeopardized that.
On the other hand, I too was just speaking my mind. I don't like to offend, and I certainly don't like to hurt, but I do have a point to get across as well. Yes, I was too harsh. Yes I went overboard. However, I have a right to my own veiws. If their too narrow, then that's my fault. Let me learn from my mistakes.
I'm sorry that a difference of opinion is enough to possibly break up a great friendship. |
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| Happiness Comes In Portions... |
[Jul. 28th, 2005|10:12 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | determined | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | The sound of my own ego inflating | ] |
So your life isn't what you hoped it would be, does that give you reason to bitch? Of course it doesn't. Who said your life was in your hands anyway? You drive your car to work, and your life rests in the hands of everyone else in their cars. You go to work, and your boss controls your paychecks, paychecks you need to buy the food and buy the gas and pay the rent. You go to sleep at night, and that little lock on the door says that no one is invited in. If one of these should fail to act, then we've got quite a mess on our hands.
It's up to you, as an individual, to take what is available and make the most of it. So you don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend. So what? It'll happen when it happens. Someone cut you off on the freeway, so why get mad at someone who doesn't give a shit what you think in the first place? Someone is getting more hours, but you have seniority. So fight it.
The following is directed to one person in particular, and if you're reading this you know who you are: You had something great, and you threw it away because you were sick of it. Now you're miserable, and you want that old feeling back. You find yourself running into dead ends because you think you're out of options. Quit bitching about the same thing over and over. You don't need it, we don't need it, and most of all you don't need him. |
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| "Alcohol alcohol alcohol white light..." |
[Jul. 17th, 2005|10:35 pm] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | System of a Down - B.Y.O.B. | ] |
Take the general opinions, the surface, the icing on the cake, and whatever malfunction that makes people think they are better than everyone else... and throw them away. Get rid of them, no one needs them. Get to know someone, I mean really get to know someone. They might turn out to be better than you originally thought. Hell, you may even have some fun.
No one is better than anyone else. A high class man or woman wouldn't last a day on the streets fighting for his food and struggling to find a decent place to sleep. However, reverse it and you have similiar problems. I'm dealing in extremes, of course, but the point has been made. |
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|
| "Please, wring the blood from my hands..." |
[Jul. 13th, 2005|10:41 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | sick | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Family Guy: Live In Las Vegas - The Last Time I Saw Paris | ] |
I don't know if it's a virus, or food poisoning, or a flu, but my stomach is aching so badly. It has been since this morning, hence why I woke up an hour before my alarm went off. I could hardly function in class, and it took me longer to walk to the bus stop. I haven't felt this bad since I got a 105.4 degree fever back in January.
Don't know if it's good to push myself this much today, I shouldn't have even come to school today. And I have to come here tomorrow, because of that study session that I organized. I figure if I drink nothing but water for the rest of the day, eat a light dinner, and go to bed early I should be okay for tomorrow. In theory anyway. |
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|
| "Fixed and crazy, aphid attraction..." |
[Jul. 13th, 2005|05:13 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Limp Bizkit - Let Me Down | ] |
Do you ever want something so badly, despite the fact that it'll never happen? Doesn't it just eat you up inside? I want what I can't have, which makes the wanting that much more painful. Would I be this way if it wasn't so unattainable? Definately proof that I am only human.
My alarm will go off at 6. I should still be asleep. I woke up feeling sick to my stomach. I have to push past it and do what I need to do today. I have a short story to read before class this morning, and I have my first big assignment due today for Art Appreciation. It's obvious that it's only busy work, so we have something to do to justify taking the class. That's beside the point. The old me would skip doing the assignment because it's only busy work. The old me would have also gotten an F for the assignment. The new me realizes that busy work is still work and it needs to be done, no matter how petty. The new me will get an A. |
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|
| "We are strong but we're dumb, we look above..." |
[Jul. 12th, 2005|11:28 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | The Killers - Mr. Brightside | ] |
Changed my page, I think it looks better. Not so unwelcoming as it used to be.
I have a study session on Thursday after class. Julia and... I don't remember her name... don't know how to put together an analysis, so I offered to help. Easy enough, comparing and contrasting the authors, finding similarities, pretty much standard. Should be fun.
I've been spending too much money lately. Don't know where my bank account stands, but I know it won't look promising.
Becoming accustomed to this new routine will require more work than I had originally anticipated. Nothing wrong with more work though.
Need to go deposit my student loan check today. Forgot it at home, I'll have to do it later or tomorrow. |
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|
| "I cannot pretend as this shit knaws at my brain..." |
[Jul. 11th, 2005|10:08 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| |  cynical | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | System of a Down - Bounce | ] |
Julia has a boyfriend. I figured as much. It's a letdown, but I can't let it phase me. I'm already frustrated enough, I don't need more.
Didn't bring my book for Art Appreciation. Might come back to kick me in the ass. Didn't see the point in bringing it today considering we go over the information in class. Starting to think like them, become like them. Can't let it happen. I need to be above that. Something I know they don't feel until they know they're screwed, and that is regret. I feel regret. Minor, but it's there.
Supposed to have a study session sometime this week with a couple of my classmates. Can't say what it will do to my weekend yet, we haven't set a time.
I should have had my teacher sign my form so I could get the rest of my student loan check. Walked with Julia to her next class, and missed my chance to get it signed. She's considering dropping the class due to the presentations that have to be given in front of the class. It doesn't have to be done until the end of next week, and already she's dreading it. Pretty good metaphor for my life, putting others before myself. Until I find a reason to change, it'll stay that way. |
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|
| "Write me off like yesterday..." |
[Jul. 10th, 2005|07:27 pm] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | irritated | ] |
Amy stood me up. That would make it the fourth? Yeah, fourth woman in 2 months to do this, or something equally as aggrivating. I gave her both of the numbers she could have reached me at, and a phone call really would have been good before I paid for her.
I don't know if it's wired in you since birth, but ladies, if you don't have any interest in a guy let him know. Okay? Don't avoid him, don't blow someone off, don't say yes when you mean no. Just give it to us straight. Got it?
With that said, I have no idea why she didn't show up. Maybe she forgot, maybe she couldn't get there for one reason or another. All I know is that with every incident like this I get more and more hurt, and I get more and more pissed. |
|
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| "But I won't let this build up inside of me..." |
[Jul. 7th, 2005|11:58 pm] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| |  grateful | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Staind - Fill Me Up | ] |
Some of the best people have the worst lives. It's always been a part of history. Good people have bad things put upon them. Sometimes for their beliefs, other times it's for actions. Sometimes it's even for no reason. And it takes a massive amount of strength to push past it. To not dwell on it, but to also not let it go. It takes a powerful force of will to have moments of joy even though you feel like becoming invisible. It takes a strong heart to not hate the roadblocks to your path to Eden. And it takes a true sweetheart to come off of this disaster smelling like a rose. I am proud to say that I know one such person...
Adversity takes many forms. Regardless of the forms they take, they must be brought down. They are barriers that prevent you from fulfilling a goal. Whether it's a person, an object, or a feeling... all adversity must be taken down.
"The bamboo that bends is stronger than the oak that resists." |
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| "Who can believe you..." |
[Jul. 7th, 2005|11:35 am] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Finger Eleven - Walking In My Shoes | ] |
Julia wasn't here today... go figure. I was going to go to the library to do some random research, but my back started to hurt really bad. It hasn't been this bad since I was 10, although now I am much more pain-tolerant. So I went to the bus stop, and met this great girl there. Her name's Amy. She's really nice, and we have a lot in common. I asked her out for bowling this Saturday with Bryan and Jenny. Now I have to call him and let him know that we're going bowling.
I'm really liking school so far. Art appreciation is a little boring, but that doesn't mean I can slack off. Next quarter I want to take Digital Photography and Introduction to Photoshop. I don't really need Intro. to Photoshop, but I figure it'll be a learning experience anyway.
I'm hungry, so I'm going to go get some lunch. |
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| "I cried about leaving you all alone..." |
[Jul. 6th, 2005|10:33 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | tired | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Staind - Fill Me Up | ] |
Planned on asking Julia out, but I hit a snag. I'll try again tomorrow. There's always a tomorrow.
I read two mind-numbing chapters for my art appreciation class. The class itself is great, but the class makes the book redundant. The things I read in the chapters are lectured by the teacher. The notes I take from the book are the same taken from the teacher. That doesn't mean I'll stop reading the book though.
Got 3 hours of sleep last night... again. Well, I came home and slept until about 6 or 7. So I suppose I got more than 3 hours. Still, I think I messed up my sleep cycle when I stayed up until 3 in the morning on July 4. |
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| "I have no place to hide..." |
[Jul. 5th, 2005|10:10 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| |  nerdy | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Staind - Zoe Jane | ] |
Well, another extremely short day of school. The whole time we discussed this short story he had us read. It's a lot like Planet of the Apes, but with a sort-of different plot. I had the entire 4 day weekend to read it and, typical me, put it off until an hour before class started. It was for the best though, because the story was still fresh in my mind. I lucked out though, and I can't be so careless in the future.
Went out of my way to talk to this girl today. Her name's Julia and she moved here from Germany a year ago. She has almost no accent, so it's easy to not know that bit of information. More on her later.
Finally got to talk to Elle on Friday. She's been so busy though, so it's understandable. She tried to get a hold of me at my house on the 4th, but I was at Steve's until about 12. Not a big deal.
Only got 3 hours of sleep last night, and I can barely feel it. Shouldn't make a habit of it though. I can only assume that next time I won't be so "lucky".
A subject was discussed a few weeks ago with a friend. Ever notice that some people don't deserve the opinions that they have? Person "A" has an easy time with something, so "A" thinks it's easy for everyone. Person "B" has a more difficult time, and "A" puts in their (unnecessary) opinion, making "B" feel less than capable. You want to see the decline of society, it's right in front of you. |
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| "Do one thing and say something cryptic..." |
[Jun. 29th, 2005|12:37 pm] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | cheerful | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Gorillaz - Every Planet We Reach Is Dead | ] |
Just got done reading three mind-numbing chapters from my Art Appreciation class. Because I didn't have my book I couldn't read them on Monday. I was never told or showed or anything what book I needed for that class. Not a big deal, I got them read so I'm happy. Also, i have extensive notes too, which is probably why it was so mind-numbing. I prefer it that way anyway, it lets me learn more. CAUSE KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!!!
I have to go to said class in about 20 minutes, and I am so tired. I got plenty of sleep, but for some reason I am really tired. It's probably nothing.
Oh, and for something completely unrelated... BATMAN BEGINS IS FREAKING AWESOME!!! lol I've seen it twice already, and I may go see it a third time. |
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| "We were ready for anything...but this..." |
[Jun. 19th, 2005|03:18 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Korn - Need To | ] |
It's healthy to worry, but most of the time it's healthier to not give a shit. You let things get to you and that's all you'll think about. It consumes every ounce of your time until it gets too bad, then you're stuck. Stuck because you've let it get too far, and it's become a huge problem. It's not about solving the problem, but eradicating the virus so it becomes a plain, old problem again. It's an uphill climb, and one that most people end up taking.
Why? Because it's in our nature to be stubborn and difficult. It's in our nature to let things get to us, because that's all anyone really is nowadays. Just an empty shell of their childhood, convoluted by nagging problems and supposed symptoms. And it's not like I'm looking from the outside-in. I'm a part of the crowd, one of the many. I'm one of the most pessimistic optimists I have ever met. For me it's not the glass is half-full or half-empty, but "why can't it be all the way full?".
What am I getting at? I'm not letting shit phase me anymore. I'm sick of being talked about behind my back, I'm sick of drama, and everything else in between. I'm taking the steps to end it in my own life, and if I create more in trying to end it then I guess the ends will have to justify the means. "It'll get worse before it gets better". I heard that once, and it's stuck with me since I can remember. And you know what? Most of the time it's true.
Seperate yourself from the bullshit, because you're above all that. |
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| "Remember when we used to dance..." |
[Jun. 12th, 2005|11:41 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | content | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Papa Roach - Scars | ] |
I bought Chappelle's Show seasons 1 and 2 about a week ago for my birthday. I also bought Fable for Xbox, Phantom of the Opera, Blade: Trinity, and Shaun of the Dead. I have so many damn movies now. I don't have nearly as many as Steve's parents, but still...
I'll be going to Clark starting June 27th. I'll have a science fiction and fantasy writing class Monday through Thursday from 9:00 - 9:50 AM, and I'll have an art appreciation class Monday and Wednesday from 1:10 to 3:30. I'll have a huge hole in time to fill up on Mondays and Wednesdays. Not surprising to me, I figured that would happen. I suppose I'll do homework during that time, so I don't have to worry about it as much when I get home.
I see all these couples walking around and I get sad, because I want that really badly. However, I think I'm at a point right now where I don't care if I have a girlfriend. The feeling of want will creep up on me sometimes, but most of the time I find myself not caring. |
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| "All cartoons are fucking dicks..." |
[Jun. 6th, 2005|09:29 am] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Gorillaz - Every Planet We Reach Is Dead | ] |
A roller coaster of emotions and thoughts, that's how I've been lately. Have I mentioned how much I hate roller coasters?
Re-installed Windows... again. In April I took my computer to Bryan's for... I don't know, stuff. I put Diablo 2 and the expansion on there, and needed the keygen for the expansion. So we searched online for it. A porn site popped up and left some shit on my computer. Well, over time my computer got worse and worse, so I put everything onto discs and just rebooted the system. Luckily, the formatting happens automatically so I don't have to deal with that.
Oh yeah, today's my birthday. I'm finally 21.
Went to a barbeque for my great grandma's birthday yesterday. It was fun. I got to see family I rarely ever get to see, and... I had fun. It's rare in my life to have "family" and "fun" in the same breath, so that's always good when it happens. My brother is such a fucking idiot though. He turned 18 in the first week of May, and now he thinks he's an adult. He tries to talk to the relatives like he's one of them, and he makes rude comments about me to everyone. Is it like some sort of ritual? "Let's put Chris in his place, that'll make me an adult!" It rarely ever happens though, because I know how to manipulate the situation. I show a feeling of calm, explain the situation, and get the parents to agree with me. It works some of the time. Besides my brother being a fucking idiot, I had a good time.
I have to go to an advisor at Clark today. I have no idea why though. I'm leaving at 11. The meeting isn't until 1, but last time one was scheduled I missed it. It wasn't completely my fault, I was told the wrong information as to where I had to go. Apparently I have to go to the library there for an orientation... or something. I don't know, all of this is so comfusing.
I said before about how there was flaws in the new Gorillaz CD... that was a filthy lie. A dirty filthy lie.
Well, that's about it. Gotta go shower and stuff. |
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| "We are the last living souls..." |
[Jun. 2nd, 2005|04:47 pm] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| |  indescribable | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Gorillaz - Dare | ] |
To anyone who gives a shit about me, I've snapped out of my depression. All it really took was a realization that it was a bunch of bullshit. No happy pills necessary. It was kind of stupid, really, to let myself get that far down. So... yeah, I'm better now.
Does anyone ever actually read this?
Bought two new CDs last week. Gorillaz - Demon Days and Family Guy: Live In Vegas. Demon Days is yet another piece of evidence against the people who say that music isn't as good nowadays. It's got just about everything in it for someone to enjoy. If you don't feel like listening to the thought-provoking lyrics, you can just move your head, ass, body, fingernail... whatever, to the beat of the music. On the negative side, there are only a few songs that stand out the first time you listen to them and a couple of the songs get repetitive. Family Guy: Live In Vegas is interesting. It's like a Rat-Pack era trype of feel with a 55-piece musical orchestra and the characters from the show singing it. Haylie Duff and Jason Alexander (the guy from Sienfeld for those of you who don't know) make apperances too. It's really hard to describe the CD though. You'll either love it or hate it, I don't think there will be an in-between.
Hang on, let me get my royalties from Virgin and 20th Century Fox... okay, done.
I just spent the last week being absolutely lazy while playing Fable, Star Wars: Battlefront, and Mortal Kombat Deception, so I really don't have much else to talk about. |
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| "and I, need to shed my skin..." |
[May. 24th, 2005|11:07 pm] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Stone Sour - Monolith | ] |
Well, I really don't know how to describe Friday. I met Michelle, we walked around the mall for a little while, then Bryan and Jenny came and we all went out for pizza. Michelle almost cancelled on me twice, cause of her mom I assume. Met her at 6, and from then on it was nothing but awkward. I'm so used to being able to have something to say at any given moment, but on Friday I didn't. I stumbled on my words, tried to keep up with her hyperactivity, and she told me that I wasn't anything like she expected. Is that good? Bad? I have no idea what to think, and this feeling of helplessness is unsettling. She had to leave the pizza place early. It had something to do with her sister I think. I haven't talked to her since. She's a really sweet girl, and it would be good if she called me. I've called her everyday except yesterday, and she isn't picking up her phone. Does that make me obsessive? I wanted to know how everything went after she left, but Steve's phone likes to fuck up at certain times and when it does work all I get is her voice mail.
What's funny is, that I wasn't expecting anything out of her except a good friend. It was called a "date" just because it was easier to say. Did she think I was thinking something different? I just don't know what to think, and it doesn't help one fucking bit to have people telling me to "strop thinking about it so much" and "it's happened to me before". Great, it's happened to you and you don't want me thinking about it. See, first of all... I'm going to think about it. I'm going to fill my head with ideas that don't have any merit and drive myself insane because of it. It's what I've been doing since Friday.
I haven't really told anyone this, at least no one that'll really listen... but I think I might be suffering from depression for the last month and a half. I'm not a very dramatic person by nature, and I take certain words and terms very seriously. If I'm sad, I'm sad. If it's ongoing, I'm stuck in a rut. This, however, is depression. I don't want to go to a doctor, and I don't want any pills. I'm already ashamed enough as it is for letting myself get this far down. |
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| YEAH! |
[May. 19th, 2005|07:38 pm] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | chipper | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Stone Sour - Monolith | ] |
I Am A: Lawful Good Human Paladin Fighter
Alignment:
Lawful Good characters are the epitome of all that is just and good. They believe in order and governments that work for the benefit of all, and generally do not mind doing direct work to further their beliefs.
Race:
Humans are the 'average' race. They have the shortest life spans, and because of this, they tend to avoid the racial prejudices that other races are known for. They are also very curious and tend to live 'for the moment'.
Primary Class:
Paladins are the Holy Warriors. They have been chosen by a God/dess to be their representative on Earth, and must follow the code of that deity, or risk severe penalties. They tend towards being righteous, but not generally to excess.
Secondary Class:
Fighters are the warriors. They use weapons to accomplish their goals. This isn't to say that they aren't intelligent, but that they do, in fact, believe that violence is frequently the answer.
Deity:
Tyr is the Lawful Good god of justice. He is also known as Tyr Grimjaws, Wounded Tyr, the Maimed God, and Blind Tyr. He appears as a warrior, missing his hand. Followers of Tyr are concerned first and foremost with justice - discovering the truth and punishing the guilty for their crimes. They wear blue and purple robes with a white sash, a white gauntlet on the left hand, and a black gauntlet on the right, to symbolize Tyr's lost hand. Their preferred weapon is the warhammer. Tyr's symbol is a set of scales resting on a warhammer.
Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy of NeppyMan (e-mail)
Also, I'm meeting Michelle tomorrow at the mall at 6. I got to talk to her on the phone (finally) and she sounds like an absolute sweetheart. I can't wait to meet her. |
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| "Let me be your rain cloud..." |
[May. 18th, 2005|11:46 pm] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | Cynical (It's not a bad thing) | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Stone Sour - Rules of Evidence | ] |
I'm tired of bullshit. I wish it was easy to just up and say "Not going to deal with it anymore. Get the fuck away from me." but I can't cause I'm too nice. Is that a bad thing? It certainly seems that way lately.
I haven't talked to Elle in, like, 9 days. It's really weird. She's such a great friend.
Saw Blade: Trinity. I definately have to buy it.
I copied all my music on my computer to a bunch of CD-Rs. Nine data CDs worth of music. It may not be much to some people, but it's a lot of music for me.
I'm going to go see Episode 3 tomorrow. (that would be Thursday, for those that live under a rock...) It seems like it'll be fun.
Kinda, sorta met this new girl. Her name's Michelle. She lives like 10 minutes away from me too, which is a plus. I was going to meet her today at a dog park, but it rained and she didn't have a car that day. So I'm going to meet her at her work on Friday and we're going to hang out. She's a really nice person. If it goes well, who knows? If not, I still have a new, really good friend.
I've been writing music again. You know, trying to find a positive outlet for all my anxiety. It's definately working. Just wish I could sing better...
It's freaking hot in my room right now.
I bought Evil Dead a few days ago. I forgot how good that movie is.
The script Bryan needs for his final project has to be done by June 1st. A lot of pressure to get that damn script done. Re-writes definately need to happen (no offense at all to Bryan's writing). Some of the characters need something beyond a cookie-cutter personality. A little more depth. I may be critisized for this because "I'm not a writer", but you know what, I observe personalities... it's what I do. And I have a solid grasp on realism. I may not write as much as he does, but that doesn't matter. |
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| Whatever... |
[May. 10th, 2005|03:20 pm] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | indescribable | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Breaking Benjamin - Sooner or Later | ] |
Well, things didn't turn out like I was secretely hoping to. I was expecing the worst, and I didn't get worst... but I didn't get good either. Is there something wrong with me? Seriously, do I just rely on others to feel better? I'm not a needy person, it's just that I've been by myself for so long watching everything else advance around me. I'm always striving to get a piece of it, cause it looks so good. |
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| "I am in a glass case of emotion!" |
[May. 9th, 2005|11:55 pm] |
| [ | The Mood I'm In: |
| | calm | ] |
| [ | What I'm Listening To: |
| | Breaking Benjamin - Simple Design | ] |
Well, things aren't good, but things aren't bad either. Actually right now things are very average. I have some puzzles that need to be solved. I'm missing a few pieces, but otherwise I've got things figured out. Still don't know what the final picture will be though. Those pieces might not be what I expect them to be, but right now that doesn't matter. All that matters is figuring out what the picture is.
Sorry for speaking in vagueness and riddles... but it's the only way I can post this little entry, express my feelings, and not reveal what I'm thinking before I want "them" to.
More on this later... |
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iamfullofmyself's journal